


seize the day

by brokenlikeastitch



Series: The Epilepsy Trilogy [1]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Epilepsy, M/M, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2017-08-16
Packaged: 2018-12-16 04:15:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11821044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenlikeastitch/pseuds/brokenlikeastitch
Summary: It all happened so suddenly, and Patrick probably (definitely) should've told someone.





	seize the day

**Author's Note:**

> I've never read anything about epilepsy in hockey, and I thought it might be interesting to try to write. Of course I haven't read them all, so there might be something out there that I haven't found yet. But in the meantime, I think that epilepsy deserves some representation, and I decided to do my best.

It had happened before, but never like this. One second Patrick was sitting on his couch, and the next, he was looking down at his body watching TV unblinking and frozen. That’s what it felt like at least, like he was floating. Sometimes he had an out of body experience, but it never lasted long and it never interfered with hockey or his daily life.

He didn’t know what the deal was, and couldn’t really pinpoint when it started. No one knew about it, and he didn’t think it was really that important. Patrick knew, realistically, that something was probably wrong, but he didn’t know what to do about it anyway. It was almost like watching himself in a movie, which was actually kind of cool to think about. Who wouldn’t want a movie about themselves?

This time was different though, it lasted longer and he couldn’t snap himself out of it like usual. It was scary when he realized the lack of control he had, and Patrick knew Jonny would be there soon to hang out. They made the plans the night before, and he didn’t want Jonny to see him like this. When there was a knock on the door, his body didn’t react at all, prompting Jonny to knock again. He wanted to yell at himself to wake up, but he couldn’t.

Jonny had a key, so after another round of knocking, Patrick heard the key enter the lock, and the door opened. With that, there was an intense rushing feeling in his head, and he had control back over his body. Another difference was the dizziness that accompanied the return, and a pressing feeling on his temples was extremely uncomfortable. His mouth was dry, and his tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth. Patrick cleared his throat a few times before Jonny walked into the room he was sitting in, holding bags of food. He raised his eyebrows at Patrick, “Thanks for the help, man.”

“Sorry dude, must’ve zoned out.”

“I noticed that happened a few times at the end of the season, should I be worried?”

Patrick waved him off, “Nah, I’m good. Don’t worry.”

He tried to stand and almost stumbled back into the couch. Luckily Jonny wasn’t paying attention to him, and by the time Jonny came back from the kitchen, he had righted himself. Patrick must’ve had a strange look on his face, because Jonny still looked concerned.

“Are you sure? You don’t seem okay.”

“Just a headache, once I get some food in me and maybe some Advil, I’ll be fine.”

Patrick clapped Jonny’s shoulder on his way to the kitchen, and Jonny followed him cautiously. Pressure swelled in his head once he stopped walking, and Patrick leaned against the counter, gripping at the edge. His knuckles were white as he held on, waiting for the pressure to ease, and Jonny came around from behind him, holding out a bottle of Advil. Jonny shook two out when Patrick didn’t move, and shoved a water bottle that had been on the counter for a few days closer to him. Patrick took a few deep breaths, and took the medicine Jonny held out for him. He drained the water bottle and tossed it in the trash. Jonny looked like he was trying to not mother him, and Patrick appreciated it.

“So, what did you get us for lunch?”

Patrick pulled the bags closer and started unloading the bags. Jonny popped open two of the boxes before answering, “I just got Greek, figured it would be a happy medium.” After looking through all the to-go boxes, Patrick dragged one with chicken shawarma closer and dug in with one of the plastic forks from the bag. Jonny ate more slowly, still watching Patrick carefully, but after about ten minutes gave up because Patrick was acting normally again.

*****

The second time it happened, Patrick was alone and in the car. He felt a little off when he woke up, and he felt the familiar pull on the drive to practice. Patrick knew it would be safest for him to stop, especially after the last episode when he lost control completely, but he didn’t want to be late to practice. Jonny dislikes tardiness.

Patrick’s eyes grew heavy and he blinked hard, trying to clear his vision. He just managed to stop at a red light before the jerking feeling pulled him out of his body. This time, he couldn’t remember what happened, just that it took him five minutes to snap out of it. He didn’t know how many light cycles he sat through, but there was a huge line of cars behind him, honking impatiently.

After a few seconds of disorientation, Patrick put his foot on the gas and continued down the street, through the light. It looked like he was going to be late anyway, but he couldn’t find itself in him to care as his stomach rolled repeatedly. Patrick really didn’t want to hurl in his car, so he sped up, trying to get to the arena quicker.

He parked and hunched over in his seat, both arms wrapped around his stomach. It was another side effect he’d never experienced before. Patrick tried to focus on controlling the dizzying nausea sweeping his body, and his eyes fluttered uncontrollably. A knock on his window startled him, and he glanced out to see Saader staring in concerned. Patrick breathed shallowly out his mouth a few times before rolling down the window. Saad leaned against the car, and shifted his gear bag on his shoulder. Patrick tried to smile reassuringly at him so that he wouldn’t go tell Jonny about how he found Patrick.

“Morning, Saader.”

“Hey, Kaner, you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good man, just feeling a little sick this morning. I’ll go see the trainer before I take the ice and I’ll be good to go.”

“If you say so…” Brandon trailed off, but backed up so Patrick could get out of the car. Patrick turned the car off after rolling up the window and grabbed his bag out of the backseat. He stumbled a bit when he tried to walk, and Saader grabbed his shoulder to steady him. Patrick tried really hard to not shrug him off when he held on. He focused on breathing and shoving the rolling in his stomach down as they slowly moved toward the door. Brandon stayed with him until they got to the trainers’ room. Patrick swayed a little when he let go to head to the locker room to get dressed, and Saad’s eyes narrowed at him.

Patrick cleared his throat and looked desperately at him, “Promise me you won’t tell Jonny.”

“I think you need to tell someone, dude, and Jonny cares about you, he’ll want to know if something’s up.”

“I don’t want to worry him.”

“Peeks, you know your health is more important than hockey, right? We don’t have a game tonight, so it’ll be fine if you sit today.”

“I don’t need to sit, trust me. I’ll get some medicine and meet you guys in the locker room.”

“I don’t think this is a good idea, but I’ll respect your wishes.”

“Thanks, man, I owe you one.”

Brandon left the room looking like he really wanted to stay, and Patrick collapsed into a chair, suddenly exhausted. One of the trainers gave him some medicine for nausea after checking him over. She made him promise to come find her if it escalated during practice and sent him off to get dressed. Jonny gave him a disappointed look when he walked in late, but Patrick couldn’t find it in himself to care.

*****

The third time it happened, Patrick was grocery shopping with Jonny. They had an off day, and he was bored, so when Jonny called, he was eager to go and get out of the house. Patrick was pushing the shopping cart, and Jonny was checking items off a list as they moved up and down the aisles. He knew Jonny was picky about what he bought, but Patrick didn’t realize the trip would last that long. It came over him almost without warning. He felt a little off, but the sensation rushed over him almost immediately after realizing something was wrong. Just like the last time, he couldn’t remember what happened.

One second he was turning the cart onto another aisle while Jonny walked in front of him, droning on about whole wheat versus whole grain bread, and the next, he was in the parking lot. Patrick sluggishly managed to dodge a side mirror as Jonny led him through the cars in the parking lot. He stumbled several times, tripping over his feet. They hadn’t parked far from the entrance to the store, and Jonny had a tight grip on his hand, staring straight forward. Jonny opened the passenger door for Patrick, and realized he had come out of whatever trance he was in.

“God, Pat, what the hell man?”

Patrick opened and shut his mouth twice and blinked at him a few times before climbing into the car with Jonny’s help. Jonny stared at him, a flash of panic in his eyes as Patrick’s arms fell limply by his sides. After a few more seconds, Jonny reached around him to buckle him in, eyes desperately searching his face, before closing the door softly and jogged around the car.

“Should we go to the hospital?”

“No,” Patrick managed to slur out, and Jonny looked even more alarmed by his inability to answer clearly.

“Hospital it is. Hey, Peeks, I need you to answer some questions for me,” Jonny pulled out of the parking lot carefully, glancing over at Patrick every few seconds. Patrick’s head drooped a little, and Jonny sped up slightly. He took one hand off the wheel and gripped Patrick’s shoulder, “Hey, bud, do you know what year it is?”

Patrick stared out the window and did his best to think. After a minute or so, his head started to clear a little and he was able to answer, “2017.”

“Good, that’s good. Can you tell me where we are?”

“Chicago,” Patrick answered a little more confidently.

“That’s right. Do you know today’s date?”

That Patrick did not know that, but he was able to give an answer, “I don’t know, but tomorrow we fly to Minnesota.”

“That’s good, I still want to take you to the hospital because something is seriously wrong, but it’s good that you’re coming out of it.”

The first place Jonny drove was an obscure walk-in clinic. Patrick knew it was because he thought there was less of a chance of recognition, so he waited for Jonny to go in and see what they could do. It only took a few minutes for him to walk back out, jaw tight. Patrick glanced over at him, “What’s wrong?”

“Apparently this is above their paygrade. We’re going to need a bigger hospital, not just a clinic.”

He strapped himself back in, and Jonny pulled back onto the street. The drive went by in silence, and Patrick stared out the window as buildings flew by. Jonny parked near the emergency room and was out at Patrick’s side before Patrick could even unbuckle his seat belt. He still felt sluggish as Jonny helped him out of the car and they walked slowly to the entrance. Jonny had one arm around Patrick’s waist, and Patrick was leaning heavily on him. They made it inside, and Jonny walked them to a chair where he could set Patrick down. Patrick gripped onto his shirt, and Jonny gently extracted himself from Patrick’s grip, “Hey, bud, I need to go check you in, okay? Wait here for a minute and I’ll be back soon.”

It was good that Jonny was the one with Patrick, he was Patrick’s medical contact anyway. They decided it would be easiest after signing the eight-year contracts, solidifying their lives in Chicago. Jonny had to stand in line for a few minutes, and before he even made it to the front, Patrick felt the nausea creep in. This time it wasn’t alone, the headache from the last time he was with Jonny started up, and Patrick felt like death.

He curled up in the chair he was in, and a cold sweat broke out on his body. Patrick shut his eyes and tried to focus on his breathing. Jonny’s hand dropping on his shoulders startled him, and Patrick jerked, regretting it immediately. He groaned at the sudden movement, and Jonny apologized quickly. Patrick waved off his apologies, and Jonny squatted down in front of him, “Okay, so we are in line, but they’re busy today, and the woman at the desk doesn’t know how long it’ll take to get you in there. I tried to name drop, but they didn’t care.”

Patrick laughed weakly, and Jonny smiled, happy to see a reaction. He sank into the chair next to Patrick and put a hand on the back of his neck. Patrick rubbed his temples roughly and Jonny stood back up, “Let me go get you a water bottle.” Patrick tried to protest, but Jonny ignored him and walked off down a hallway. He came back a few minutes later and opened it for Patrick who took it shakily. Jonny sat back down as Patrick sipped at the water slowly. His stomach was still rolling as he drank more water, and Jonny’s hand went back on his neck.

When Patrick finished the water, he wanted to nap, so he leaned over and rested his head on Jonny’s shoulder. Jonny shifted and Patrick groaned, “Pat, I don’t think you should sleep right now. We don’t know what’s going on and I don’t want you to not wake up if it’s something with your head.”

“I’ll be fine, Jonny.”

“We don’t know that; can you just stay awake for me?”

Patrick really didn’t want to, but he did it for Jonny. Only once did Jonny lose composure during the whole experience and it was when he got Patrick into the car. Other than that, he’d remained calm, but his squirming told a different story. It was a front for Patrick, one he really appreciated. As an hour slowly passed, the waiting room cleared and filled repeatedly. Patrick was never called. Another thirty minutes crawled by and Jonny went back to the window to see how much longer. The receptionist had no answer for him. Patrick almost nodded off several times, but Jonny was always there to wake him back up.

He made Patrick drink another bottle of water as another hour passed. Jonny tried to name drop again, but apparently a kid who got hit in the head with a baseball at a Cubs game was more important, Jonny disagreed. Patrick convinced him to not call his parents until they had a conclusive answer to what was wrong. Jonny didn’t like it, but he agreed in the end. They did call their coach who got in contact with the trainers. Patrick pulled his knees back to his chest as another wave of nausea swept over him and Jonny stopped his phone conversation to run his fingers back through Patrick’s hair.

When it passed, Patrick groaned and slumped further into his seat. Jonny hung up quickly and turned Pat’s face to look at him, “You hungry, Peeks?”

“I don’t think I can hold anything down.”

“What about some peanut butter crackers?”

“I’m not hungry, Jonny.”

“Pat, please, just try.”

The desperation in his tone was what made Patrick relent, “Yeah, I can try.”

He did manage to get down a few crackers, which soothed Jonny a little bit. It was another two hours before they finally got into a side room to see a nurse, and Jonny almost lost it when they were told it would be another thirty minutes before they could see a doctor. He was slightly placated when they gave Patrick a private room to wait in.

“Jonny, we don’t know what’s wrong, it could honestly be nothing.”

“Patrick, you were completely unresponsive, if that were to happen on the ice, you could get seriously hurt. If that were to happen when you were driving, you could die.”

Patrick cleared his throat and refused to make eye contact. He knew it made him look guilty, but he felt sick and tired, and hiding it was the least of his problems.

“Patrick, please tell me that hasn’t happened while you were driving.”

“It hasn’t happened while I was driving.”

“Are you lying to me?”

“I plead the fifth.”

Jonny looked extremely unamused as he stared at Patrick. Patrick tried to smile at him, but the pain in his head made it feel more like a grimace.

“Right, I’m going to find a doctor.”

Patrick sighed, “Jonny, you’re just going to piss them off, and it’ll take even longer. Sit down in the chair and shut up, my head hurts.”

Jonny reluctantly did as he said and pulled out his phone to pass the time. At one point, he left the room to answer the phone, and Patrick had no clue who he was talking to. Eventually he came back with a small smile.

“What’s up?” Patrick asked, warily.

“Well, Sharpy called and now a few of the guys are on their way.”

“I thought we agreed not to tell anyone past the coaches,” Patrick was not above whining at this point.

“We did, but I changed my mind.”

“Thanks, what a great friend.”

Jonny sighed and sat back down. The doctor came in the predicted thirty minutes and asked about what happened. Patrick explained everything, including the incident while driving. Jonny looked horrified and slightly offended Patrick didn’t tell him. He looked even more upset when Patrick told him Saader witnessed that one.

By the time the doctor decided to give him a CAT scan, a few guys from the team, led by Sharpy had arrived with gifts. Brandon passed over a still warm Subway sandwich with an apologetic smile, and Sharpy pulled out a pillow pet from behind his back. “To keep you company in your time of need,” he told Patrick in response to his confused look.

“I’m keeping him company,” Jonny muttered defensively, and even Patrick cracked a grin.

All of the boys scattered around the room and decided to wait for Pat’s CAT scan and the results, even though the doctor warned them they’d be there well past midnight. Patrick’s emotions were a little out of whack, and he had to try really hard not to cry when Shawzy made a comment about family sticking together. He really hoped no one saw it. They waited for an hour, and sometime during the wait, Sharpy found the TV remote. He turned on a comedy movie and by that time, Patrick was feeling good enough to laugh. When the doctor finally came in, with a wheelchair, to take him to the machine, Patrick felt so much better that he protested needing the test at all.

“Sit down in the chair Patrick, or so help me God,” Jonny threatened after Patrick started to protest, and Patrick decided it would be best to just give in. Jonny had spent his entire day in the hospital with him. Sharpy snorted when Patrick shut his mouth and did as Jonny asked.

The test went by extremely slowly, and the machine was claustrophobic, but Patrick didn’t complain. Jonny was starting to look slightly worse for wear when Patrick got back to the room, and he immediately started to feel bad. Before he could start apologizing, Shawzy started asking a bunch of questions about the test, and Jonny looked interested too, so Patrick decided it would just be best to answer them.

Sharpy was in the middle of telling a story about his daughters when the doctor returned with the results. His face was unreadable, and for the first time, Patrick started to get nervous. Jonny must’ve sensed it because he got up from the chair he was slumped in and sat next to Patrick on the bed he was sprawled on.

“We couldn’t find anything in the CAT scan, but what happened definitely wasn’t normal. I’m going to give you the number of a neurologist I know, and if it happens again, contact her.”

“But do you know what it was?” Jonny asked when the doctor handed Patrick a piece of paper with the number on it and turned to leave the room.

“We aren’t 100 percent sure, but it sounds like a seizure. Patrick said he’s had them before, so it’s likely he’ll have another. That said, he might not, they’re fairly unpredictable. Just keep an eye out.”

The room was silent once the doctor walked out, everyone taking in the news. Patrick didn’t know what to think about it exactly, or what it would mean for his hockey. He clutched the paper tightly to ground himself, causing it to wrinkle. Sharpy broke the silence with a loud exhale and muttered, “Well damn.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at hockey rpf, and I hope I've done it a little justice.


End file.
